Have You Really Dropped the Demand? Understanding “Fake Drops” in PDA
There’s a moment many parents recognise.
You’ve asked your child to do something. Maybe it’s getting dressed, leaving the house, or turning something off. It hasn’t gone well. Tension builds. So you try to ease things.
“Okay, it’s fine… you don’t have to do it right now.”
But something still doesn’t settle.
Your child continues to resist, avoid, or escalate and you’re left thinking:
“But I dropped the demand… why is this still so hard?”
If this feels familiar, you’re not alone. And you’re not doing it wrong.
Sometimes, what looks like a dropped demand on the surface… doesn’t feel like one underneath.
What is a “fake drop”?
A “fake drop” is when a demand is removed in words, but the expectation behind it is still present, and most importantly your child can feel that.
You might say:
“It’s okay, we don’t have to do it now…”
“Fine, leave it for a bit…”
But internally, you’re still holding onto:
the need for it to happen
the hope it’ll happen soon
the tension of it not being done
And often, that shows up in ways we don’t even realise: a sigh, a pause, a look, a feeling in the room.
Why this matters (especially for PDA)
Children with a PDA profile are incredibly attuned to perceived demand and pressure.
It’s not just about what is said. It’s about what is felt.
They may pick up on:
tone of voice
body language
facial expressions
hesitation or urgency
the sense that something is still expected
So even when the words change, the demand doesn’t always disappear.
And if the demand is still felt, the nervous system can stay in a state of resistance.
This isn’t defiance. It’s a response to pressure that still feels present.
What fake drops can look like in real life
Fake drops are often subtle, which is why they’re so easy to miss.
They might sound like:
“We don’t have to leave right now… ”
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it… (sigh)”
“Okay, leave it then…”
Or look like:
stepping back verbally, but staying close and watching
dropping the demand, but holding tension in your body
changing the wording, but not the expectation
From the outside, it looks flexible. But from your child’s perspective, the pressure hasn’t fully gone. I have felt this myself my whole life too as a PDAer, and now having words to describe that experience makes a lot of sense, as it’s very easy for us to shame ourselves for seeing this ‘fakeness’ and still feeling uneasy, and as parents we can feel resentful of the sacrifice we are making by dropping the demand not being appreciated - and THAT is where the issue lies..
Why fake drops don’t work
When a demand is only partially dropped:
the expectation is still there
the pressure is still felt
the nervous system stays activated
And that’s when you might see:
continued avoidance
escalation
shutdown
or a situation that just… won’t move forward
It can feel confusing and frustrating, especially when you’re trying to help.
What does a real demand drop look like?
A real drop isn’t just about changing your words.
It’s about shifting the energy behind them.
It might look like:
genuinely letting go of the outcome (even for now)
moving your attention elsewhere
softening your body and tone
removing urgency
allowing space, without watching or waiting
A helpful reframe can be:
Dropping a demand isn’t just something we say, it’s something we feel.
And often, it starts with us.
How to truly reduce the pressure
This doesn’t mean ignoring everything or never revisiting things. It’s about timing, safety, and regulation.
Some gentle ways to support this:
Step away physically
Give space, rather than staying close to show your body is on board tooShift the focus
Change the conversation or environmentRegulate yourself first
Children are incredibly sensitive to our internal stateOffer connection instead of direction
Sit together, share a moment (be honest!), reduce intensityCome back later (when it feels different)
Not just when time has passed, but when the pressure has eased
And in the long-run we have to keep working on why we are still holding onto the demand ourselves and what we need to unpack ourselves to be able to truly let it go, not just do so performatively as a strategy to change our child’s behaviour. That in itself is the biggest shift to unlearn and adjust - trying to control their behaviour through our actions. Yes, reducing demands is often initially coming from this desire to regain control, but we are then seeking exactly what we are seeing as a problem in them, and we simply end up in a power struggle. We are creating safety first, and offering guidance second, and for our PDAers this means more autonomy, and acceptance of their internal experience, and from there we can see them truly thrive over time, even though it might take a lot of patience!
A gentle reminder
If this feels familiar, it’s not a sign you’re getting it wrong.
These are subtle shifts. Most of us were never shown how to notice, or reduce this kind of hidden pressure.
The fact you’re reflecting on it at all matters.
Your child isn’t being difficult. They’re being perceptive. And with time, awareness, and support, these moments can begin to feel a little lighter.
